yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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