I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
