i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
