look no pants
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
