This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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