I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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