Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
