Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
