My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
