...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
