after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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