did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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