she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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