we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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