i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
