Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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