everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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