My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
