Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
