Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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