You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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