Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
