The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
