youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
