Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
