dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
