We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
