sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
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Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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