I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
