just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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