I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
