I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
how does that bad decision feel?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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