if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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