we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
