I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
