I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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