That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
