puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
