He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
