her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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