I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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