I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
