omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize