I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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