Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
