The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
