Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and she was petting her beer can
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
