i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
