you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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