Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
