I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
