So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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