Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level