The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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